I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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