I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
