I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
