Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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