70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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