He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
