I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
