i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
