tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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