Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
