Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm passing your future prison.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
