You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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