she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
