Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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