i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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