Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
