I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I understand Curling. That high.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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