she woke up with a sticky ear
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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