apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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