Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize