I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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