my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
