I CAN MOONWALK!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
