Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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