I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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