so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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