shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
