please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
