We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
