My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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