Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
time to smoke my breakfast
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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