I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
