I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
