I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
