Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
