Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
