i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just blew my weed a kiss
be right there i have to get my cape
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
