does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
