What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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