just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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