it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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