Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
