If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
