I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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