Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
