i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
