My nipple is on Facebook.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
