He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This toilet bowl is my home.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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