I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The air was thick with penises
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
