just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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