nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize