Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
