how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize