dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
